I’m currently reading a book on NLP as part of my coaching homework as it were. This is voluntary on my part, because it’s reading I want to do anyway. But there was a passage in this book today that really helped me understand something about myself and people in general.

“Frustration’s an important resource. The ability to be upset and angry is just as important as the ability to be happy or confident . Each of them gives us important information about what’s going on. It’s what we do with that information that will ultimately make it positive or negative for us” (Dilts, Grinder, Bandler, & DeLozier 1980, p. 137).

Reading this passage helped me realize something very crucial about my conditioning when it comes to negative emotions and how I express them or don’t express them. I’ve never really given myself permission or felt I had permission to share my negative emotions with other people. When I tried to express them, when I was young, I was punished. So I learned to repress them, hide them, and become avoidant in how I handled situations. Even later on, when I lived in a different situation, I recall my mother asking me why I listened to sad music, being told it wasn’t appropriate to listen to it, and hearing in that message that I shouldn’t acknowledge or feel my emotions.

One of the hardest areas of communication, for me, is expressing those emotions that aren’t positive. I have felt that if I express them, I will be punished. And not surprisingly, I see this same trend in many people I know. Today my wife confessed that she isn’t comfortable feeling anger, because she was always told that she’s not allowed to feel anger. I had another friend apologize to me for telling his feelings about situations in his life. Many of us are conditioned to believe that expressing certain emotions is wrong.

The question is…what can we do to change that conditioning? First we need to recognize that while it is important express emotions there are ways that are useful and ways that are not useful. Throwing a tantrum and throwing stuff around the room isn’t really an appropriate expression of anger. Likewise yelling at someone will definitely express the anger, but it won’t necessarily allow for better communication. At the same time, repressing anger doesn’t help either, and can in fact lead to depression.

So if we can recognize what work in terms of expressing an emotion that can be helpful, but it still leaves us with a quandary. How can I express this emotion in a way that allows me to explain how I feel, but also provides an opportunity to address the situation favorably? To my mind, this is where self-reflection comes into play. I feel an emotion, such as anger. Now I can either go an express it right a way, or I can step back for a bit and figure out why I’m feeling the anger I’m feeling. For instance, sometimes I will go for a walk, and have a dialogue in my head, or I will meditate for a while on the feeling and what experiences are informing that feeling. Once I’ve done that, and I have a better grasp of why I feel what I feel, I can then go and express it to other people. I can give myself permission to actually feel and share that emotion with someone else.

This doesn’t mean communication will automatically go smoothly. But by turning my negative emotions into a resource that helps me explain my feelings of unrest I can begin to manifest a situation where those feelings can be resolved and addressed. Instead of allowing them to stew in me, I can feel them, be present with them, and learn from them.

So the next time you feel an emotion which makes you uncomfortable, don’t dismiss it. Step back, acknowledge the feeling and spend time with it. Let it explain itself to you. Then act on that understanding. From there you can manifest a reality where you are heard, and begin to find resolution with what you felt. You learn to use your emotions as resources, instead of letting block you from achieving your goals.

Dilts, Robert, Grinder, John, Bandler, Richard, & DeLozier, Judith. (1980). Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Volume 1 The Study of the Structure of Subjective Experience. Capitola: Meta Publications.